More specifically, all that has been going on in my mind is a fantasy of telling off 4 such assholes at the same time, me facing them, all four standing next to each other in a sort of row shocked. Unfortunately these fantasies haven’t been making me feel better. They just make me feel worse, perhaps at the idea of having to change people’s opinion of me when such people know so little about the real me in the first place. After all, how can you prove to someone who has been morbidly obese all her life but has just discovered exercising a couple years ago that you have actually been exercising regularly all your life while she was still overweight, and that of course she wouldn’t know that because the only time she sees me is at family functions!
As well as fantasizing about telling people off, and pointing out that they’re flaws are actually much worse than mine, I’ve spent a lot of my time hoping that these same people will actually experience what I am going through with my Fibromyalgia – the debilitating pain, extreme fatigue, and often crippling depression, all of which makes it impressive that I have been able to work as hard as I am working – and this way maybe one day they can understand how impossible it would be for me to take their supposed “advice,” that I did not bring this condition upon myself any more than they did, etc ...
I know, wishing bad things on others is not an attractive trait in someone and normally this really isn’t the real me, but at this painful, lonely point in my life, I can’t help it and can’t actually feel very ashamed.
Well, having said that, the same tormenting thoughts were going through my mind Sunday, but when the evening rolled around I started watching True Blood – the season finale. Oddly, the whole episode was practically about the very things that were going on in my mind – to a point anyway. Take the following scene and compare it to the above desire to tell off 4 people who wanted to “help” me.
Ep. 36: Clip - Hoyt arrives at work
Though my fantasy lasted a little longer and went a little differently, it is almost visually exact and has a similar plot: doormat finally stands up to controlling oppressors.
Having said all of this, there are some other scenes in this episode that I felt applied to my situation. It was a little spooky actually, as I felt they were meant specifically for me to see - when Godric appeared to Eric and told him to forgive Russell Edgington instead of making him suffer, it felt like someone was telling me to forgive the people who hurt me as well.
Furthermore, when Tara returns home and finds her mother with the married Reverend Daniels, she has the perfect opportunity to tell her mother off, just as I have wanted so desperately to tell at least 4 or 5 people off. Tara could easily point out that, while her mother tried desperately to bring Tara back to the Church and even invited the Reverend to their home, her mother is obviously a terrible Christian to sleep with a married man, and a fool to think he would truly leave his wife and children for her. Furthermore, Tara had an opportunity to tell the reverend where to go as well – a after all, what kind of Christian commits adultery and leads a woman on to think he will leave his wife?
But after everything ... Tara just forgave her. Somehow, she just felt that the satisfaction of pointing out the error in her mother's ways just wouldn't be worth it. Godric pleaded with Eric to forgive the person responsible foe his pain - he didn't, but Tara did.
Like myself, I think that whatever Tara’s flaws are, they are nothing compared to those of her mother and many others who would criticise her and push ridiculous solutions onto her.
And so, this final episode of the season has made me contemplate the concept of forgiveness – not in any religious sense of course, but more in a personal, and maybe spiritual sense. Basically, I’d like to know how to forgive certain people, but inside and privately as opposed to verbally and to their faces. I don’t want to actually re-include certain people in my life or encourage further inclusion of certain other people in my life in order to have them just commit the same mistakes and hurt me further. I just want to be able to let go of what was said to me and how it’s made me feel over the years, so that I will never again review their words in my mind while here in my house and the said verbal vexers are nowhere in sight! I want to be able to forget that these people exist instead of imagining what I should have said and what I want to say if I see them again and they criticise me again.
- How can you forgive someone for criticising your flaws while supposedly trying to “help” you solve or cure them, while their flaws are actually infinitely worse?
- How do you prove to someone that they really weren’t trying to help you, but that they were only trying to feel better about themselves by giving you “advice” thus making them feel like they have things figured out?
- How do you convince someone that the advice they do give you is not insightful advice that you’ve never heard before that a professional would give, but obvious advice that one might learn during childhood?
- How do you convince people that you actually are listening to professional advice, which contradicts much of the unsolicited advice that you are being given?
Or do you just not try ... ?
Do you just realize inside somehow that you are the one who is better off than them, but be the bigger person and refrain from pointing it out?