Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Shocking Truth - What a 26-Year-Old Girl Really Wants For Her Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday ... I am now 26. About a month ago, I typed out my birthday list for my family and posted it on the fridge. No sooner had I done so than I immediately began to regret not adding certain requests. It occurred to me to reprint the list with the necessary amendments, but I concluded that I had already asked for so much that it wouldn’t be practical to add anything more.
Nevertheless, I have had a lot more time to think about what I want for my birthday in the last month, and feel that I should definitely list my desires somewhere. So here it is – for anybody curious about what a 26-year-old girl really wants for her birthday, keep reading for some shocking insight:

What A 26-Year-Old Girl Really Wants For Her Birthday


For the last few days, this has been what I have wanted more than anything else in the world and the one person who constantly refuses to give me this gift is my mother. I love my mother very much and I know that she loves me too. But she is getting longer and longer-winded and, for some reason, louder and louder! I would give anything to not have to hear the conversations she has with my dad in the kitchen while I am in my bedroom with the door shut trying to sleep.

2. A Brain for My Dad

This is something I have wanted since the age of 9 or 10, the age where it really dawned on me just how ignorant and thoughtless my father actually is. After watching a documentary a few days ago, I told my dad about what I learned – apparently every atom in our bodies was once inside a star that exploded. This means that we are literally made of stardust! I thought this was amazing, so I informed my dad of this newly learned fact. I should have guessed that he wouldn’t believe it. He thinks that God created the world in 7 days, that we came from Adam and Eve, that evolution is untrue, that science is “a lotta bullshit,” and yet continues to take his medication, use light bulbs, surf the web, and drive an automobile. Yes ... science is a lotta bullshit ... it never gave us anything useful!

3. A Limit Placed On My Dad’s Sneezing

Everyday my dad has sneezing fits at least twice. And these fits contain 10 or more sneezes. If they were politely covered up or relatively quiet I would not have such a problem with this. But when my dad sneezes it sounds like he’s screaming! Is that really necessary? I realize people can’t control their sneezes, but couldn’t they control their voice to a certain degree when sneezing? Every time he sneezes, I want to loudly yell “SHUT UUUUUUUP!”

4. Laws Passed Regarding Annoying Commercials

I am starting to think that annoying commercials are dangerous to the sanity of the public, not to mention prejudiced against the elderly and people with health problems. Anyone unable to work or participate in certain kinds of activities might spend a great deal of time in front of the television. While the programs available may be annoying themselves, the commercials that interrupt them make me want to brutally destroy the television! They are loud (Gillette Fusion Proglide), repetitive (DejaView shows), sexist (Axe Hair Products), poorly acted and scripted (Bump It), mind-numbingly stupid (IntelliEAR), obnoxious (ShamWow and Slap Chop), and lastly, by using excerpts of popular songs they ultimately “promote” their product by ruining a song for the public forever (Swiffer). Some senior citizens like my mother and people with disabilities like me and my brother rely on television at times when we are too tired or physically unable to occupy our time otherwise. It’s bad enough that the shows available appeal to the lowest common denominator, but to subject us to these mindless commercials is unusual cruelty. I wouldn’t be surprised if long-term exposure to these ads actually kills more brain cells than dangerous drugs. I think there should be strict laws passed against mindless, meaningless, boring, loud, repetitive, ads and that if a commercial breaks a law no more commercials for that product can be aired. If anyone could pass such legislation as a birthday gift to me, I would be forever grateful.

5. Better Quality Programming

While I do not despise television shows as much as the commercials that molest them and their viewers, I do long for better quality programming. I want more documentaries about diverse topics aired all day every day: like I said, some people with health problems may rely on television to occupy their time so only airing complete garbage is insulting and cruel. Some people are smarter than to be satisfied with The Jerry Springer Show, which is really just the modern-day equivalent to the barbaric carnival freak shows of the past. Here are the following TV shows that I do enjoy – executive producers take note:

>;- Great Thinkers Of Our Time (The Mark Steel Lectures)
- History Bites
- Art Attack
- Twin Peaks
- The Twilight Zone (1950s)
- True Blood
- Pushing Daisies
- Mad Men
- Doctor Who
- Daria
- The Big Bang Theory
- Alienated

6. Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts to Stop Smiling On Camera
Okay, I get that these two actresses are famous and attractive, and I get that they appear in chick-flicks. I also get that they have nice smiles and everything but, after a while, seeing their lovely smiles ALL THE TIME lowers their uniqueness. Every time I see a commercial for a dumb chick-flick featuring one of these women, I feel like the voice-over should really just say “See this guy make this girl this happy!” Alternatively, the voice-over could also say, “You probably identify with this girl so if you see this movie, this is how happy it will make you feel!” Even scenes not shown in the ads seem to show these actresses unnaturally happy at moments in the film that don’t seem to be that special! Am I the only one who’s noticed this?!
There are probably other actresses who could show their teeth a little less also.

7. Prohibition on Re-making Old Movies

Apparently some people are way too cool to like any entertainment that was not created this year. Anything old is just disgusting! Well, that attitude is really great for business because that means that the movie, fashion, music, and television industries can recycle anything and still make money off of it! Think about it: if the public is too cool to try and watch older movies such as Halloween, Clash of the Titans, and King Kong, then studios can re-make them employing famous actors of the day and using modern special effects and technology. Then the movie-goers will automatically assume that the hotter actors and better affects mean that the film will be worth seeing, that it would be like taking something old and crappy and making it better! Well ... it’s not. For those of us who can appreciate older movies and aren’t so easily distracted by special effects and beautiful people it feels like HARDLY ANY MOVIES ARE BEING MADE.
Think about it. Imagine for a moment that there was a portion of the public that did not want to see ANY re-made movies and ONLY preferred the originals ... think of how little a selection of movies at the theatres there would be for such an audience! People who are unafraid of entertainment from the past still deserve to have movies geared towards them. If a studio re-makes a film, I think they should have to re-interpret or add something to it so that those of us who enjoyed the original can still enjoy the re-make.

I think that’s all for now. If I can think of any more birthday list amendments I will certainly add them.

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