Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Headaches, Outings and Parental Friction

So far today, I am a little pissed off. For the previous 2 nights I was able to sleep almost all the way through, which seems to have given me more energy and less pain than usual, when I am nocturnal. Now, yesterday in the evening I started to feel very achy and tired and went to lie down. I commented to my mom – who has a VERY poor memory – that I did not want to sleep for fear that I would wake in the middle of the night without being able to get back to sleep, thus ruining my sleeping pattern once again. I wanted to try to remain awake to watch LOST, my absolute favourite show, but I realised I could not enjoy it in my current achy, tired state, and went to bed. I knew that, if I did wake in the middle of the night it would be on at 12:00 A.M., and if I managed to sleep through, I could simply watch it again on Thursday night on SPACE.
Given my Fibromyalgia, a condition that involves pain and fatigue which worsens when sufferers do not get enough sleep, you would think that my mother would have the good sense not to wake me at midnight to tell me that LOST is on. One might think that, being my mother and in charge of my care for most of my life, she would know that sleeping through the night would be crucial to my health and wellbeing, and that my health and wellbeing are much more important than getting to watch a new episode of my favourite show on the day it premiers. One might also think that, since she has wakened me in the middle of the night once before and ruined my sleeping pattern once before and thus causing a huge fight, she would remember NOT to wake me up unless it is an emergency! One might also think that she would remember being told that the new episode of LOST is on again a mere 2 days later on another channel, and that even if she did not remember, she would have the good sense to check using the remote control to see when the episode would air again. And of course, last but not least, one might think that my mom would remember my comment about wanting to sleep all through the night.
Dear reader, if you are one of these people, then I regret to inform you that you are so fucking wrong.
At exactly 12 o’clock AM my bedroom door opened and my mother intruded, waking me up to inform me of the time and that LOST was on. As much as she meant well, she added insult to injury by leaving my door open and talking to my cat as loud and annoyingly as she possibly could! Not only was I awake, I was wide awake, and I was furious! I couldn’t get back to sleep for at least 2 and a half hours. She claimed, and still claims this morning, that she and my brother alike both thought that I wanted to be woken at midnight to watch LOST ... EVEN THOUGH I SAID NOTHING OF THE SORT!!!! I tried discussing the matter with her this morning, and very calmly I might add. But when trying to calmly explain the importance of being able to sleep through the night after such a long nocturnal streak, my mom erupted in violent anger as if she was the one whose attempts to better herself were sabotaged.
She screamed about how I wake her frequently, which is untrue, and an unfair comparison. I only wake her in the middle of the night when I am in too much pain and can no longer take it, and I try to wait as long as I possibly can so as not to wake her. I think it should also be noted and strongly taken into consideration that when she gets up to go to the bathroom during the night, I always do my best to keep her awake so that she can get back to bed – you see, she has a long habit of falling asleep on the toilet during the night in uncomfortable positions, ultimately causing her much pain and discomfort the next day. Similarly, I try to keep her awake in front of the TV, and when I cannot, I place a pillow against her neck so that she does not wake up with neck pain. In other words, I think my waking her up occasionally for help is a different and excusable matter compared to her waking me up out of sheer stupidity.
I know this probably sounds awful, but sometimes I get the feeling that my mom subconsciously sabotages my progress towards improving my health and independence, because once I am healthy and independent I will no longer depend on her and can move out and live on my own. Even though I know she loves me and wants me to be happy, sometimes I wonder if her waking me up at midnight and hurting my feelings when I am having a good day with no pain are unconscious ways of keeping me dependent on her so that she will always have me living with her and won’t be lonely. I doubt this is the case though ... even though I get mad at her at times like this, I hate to think these things about her.

Anyways, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, here’s a little summary of the last few days.

I haven’t written in a few days due to a massive headache that had me incapacitated for about 4 days straight. Needless to say, I have been neglecting my physio exercises during those days. On a more positive note though, I was finally able to shower, and I managed to paint 12 wooden boxes gold for my mom. You see, she’s participating in some kind of sale this weekend where she gets her own booth to sell the jewellery she makes. This is the first time she’s ever been able to display and sell her work, so she’s been working really hard trying to make pieces she thinks people will want to buy, and has enlisted my help in painting the jewellery boxes and designing the business cards.
Oddly Mom has also involved me in the critiquing/evaluating of her work, and this is strange and frequently annoying to me because, though a girl, I despise jewellery. She claims that I am her best critic and that this is because of my dislike of jewellery – she claims that if she can please me, then she knows she did a good job. She says that the one piece she designed that I did like a lot is the piece that the most people have complimented – and not just her fellow-beaders, but friends and strangers alike. Her view now is that I am her best critic – even though I constantly assure her that I don’t see the aesthetic value or beauty of jewellery the way others do, she seems to be certain that I am some kind of secret weapon in this department.
On a humourous side-note, my sister Claudia seems to be jealous of the fact that I am my mother’s proclaimed best critic. Claudia thinks she has impeccable taste in fashion, make-up, and jewellery, not that she’s actually said so – I simply assume she believes her taste superior based on observing her constant critique of those with a differing sense of fashion. She probably considers her fashion sense superior due to her emulating the current fashion trends and those that will reveal her curves and skin most flatteringly, thus drawing the most attention to herself that she can get. In this area, Claudia fancies herself an expert like Reese Witherspoon’s character Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, a “Cosmo Girl.” Unfortunately, Claudia does not value the arts or any creative ventures – again, not that she’s actually said so – thus she is useless in matters of art and creativity, especially as a critic, because her primary concern is never about aesthetic beauty or talent, but about profit and gain.

Anyways, on Monday when my head started to feel better I went to the mall and walked around. Though I got some exercise, on a negative note I ate some fast food and drank a Coke. Not that I’m too disappointed with myself – I have rejected much fast food this year and have consumed significantly less Coke than last year, when I was drinking 1-4 cans per day. I spent most my outing at Chapters – my holy temple, besides craft stores and petting zoos – where I bought the book Alice In Wonderland and Philosophy: Curioser and Curioser, edited by Richard Brian Davis. I also bought the magazines Fortean Times and Atlantis Rising, both of which discuss strange phenomena and unexplained mysteries.
So far I read the first chapter of Alice In Wonderland and Philosophy called Unruly Alice: A Feminist View of Some Adventures in Wonderland by Megan S Lloyd, and I also read one chapter of The Wizard of Oz and Philosophy: Wicked Wisdom of the West, edited by Randall E. Auxier and Phillip S. Seng. I read the chapter called When the Wiz Goes Black, Does He Ever Go Back? by Tommy J. Curry, which discusses the 1978 Motown film The Wiz – which I LOVE!

In terms of my goals regarding my bedroom and making it over to turn into an office-by-day, my mom found an armoire for $25! Can you believe that? It is definitely not in the best condition, but a coat of paint will fix that. Unfortunately she bought it on the spur of the moment, and as my bedroom is currently a pile of unsorted and diverse crap, I don’t have anywhere to put the large piece of furniture. It is currently standing in the living room randomly placed facing the kitchen, but generally out of the way of any paths into and out of the room, just not enough to not piss off my dad. As if I don’t already know, as if I can’t see it from where I sit in my usual seat on the living room couch, my dad has been reminding me that I need to clean my room and move the armoire into it. I informed him over and over again that the only reason I have not done so is my painful and debilitating headache. Still, I’m sure he was even less thrilled to learn that I had already started storing some of my belongings inside of it ... just for the time being of course.


- went to Mall
- purchased books, as well as craft supplies for Alice In Wonderland crafts
- got exercise at the Mall
- obtained armoire for bedroom
- painted 12 boxes for Mom
- read 1 chapter each from 2 books on philosophy and pop culture

Random Thought:

According to various sources such as Wikipedia, Lewis Carroll suffered from migrains, and some believe these migrains inspired him to write his Alice books. If this is true, given my last headache, I will turn out to be a literary phenomenon!

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