Predictions for the Week of My Sister Claudia's Visit

Tomorrow my evil sister Claudia will be arriving from out west.  She will be staying with us for Easter, from April 5^th – April 11^th.  Claudia has always been difficult from when she was little – even my mother would say so.  She has treated my brother Geoffrey and I like garbage all our lives, and whenever she visits it’s like a tornado of anger, rage, anxiety, temper tantrums, and guilt trips sweeps through our home.

I should clarify a few things right now:

1)  Claudia has recently become a psychologist.

2)  With any dispute we have, she uses her education in psychology to justify anything she does and make anything we say or do appear wrong.

3)  I’m positive that Claudia is a narcissist.  I’ve been reading a lot about narcissism, and I believe she has at least 8 out of 9 characteristics of a narcissist.

4)   Everyone in my family has health problems – me, my brother, my mother, and my father.  Everyone but Claudia.   And Claudia is the LEAST understanding person because she has never had to deal with illness or disability.  And because narcissists lack empathy.

5)  She has an extremely inaccurate view of our levels of disability and the challenges they can cause.  This may in part be because she hasn’t seen us for about 2 years.  Regardless, seeing us and seeing all that we can’t do will be a rude awakening for her.  Most likely though, she will accuse us of not trying hard enough.

6)  She has been pressuring us for years to go and visit her out west.  We try to explain how impractical this is given our health problems, but she refuses to believe it and/or claims that it is all due to not taking good enough care of ourselves.

7)  She is extremely controlling.

8)  My mother claims that Claudia has matured a lot.  This of course is based on phone conversations and nothing more.  That said, Mom is still very nervous about Claudia’s visit.

9)  When my brother and I talk to Claudia on the phone, we’ve both noticed that she is a lot nicer, yet we both get the sense that she is trying with all her might to hold back.  In other words, Geoffrey and I both think her agreeableness is just an act.

So, now that you are briefly caught up, the following is a list of predictions I am making regarding what will take place from the time Claudia arrives tomorrow till the time she leaves on the 11^th.  I am getting them in writing and posted online so that if any come true, I can prove to my family that I had predicted them before her arrival.  This is not to say that I anticipate all of my predictions to come true.  I am simply trying to cover any and all possibilities.

Predictions for the Week of Claudia’s Visit

1.  Claudia will object to me biting my nails and/or tell me that my nails are gross.

2.  Claudia won’t know how to turn on the TV or put on a DVD. 

3.  If me or my brother can’t sleep at night and get up to watch TV, Claudia will yell at me and my brother to turn down the TV.  This may lead to a fight.

4.  Claudia will talk, yell, or try to annoy me when I’m watching TV - probably during something good like a documentary that won’t be on again.

5.  Claudia will recommend that we eat organic fruits & vegetables and this could start an argument/fight when we try to explain that they are too expensive.  If she then buys some for us and we don’t eat them, there will be an even bigger fight.

6.  Claudia will ask me and my brother to go to dinner with her and when we say no due to legitimately not feeling well, she will:

 A)  start fighting with us and/or throw a temper tantrum

 B)  accuse us of not taking good enough care of ourselves

 C)  get mad and declare that we just don’t want to go with her, which will partly be true

 D)  tell us that the reason we don’t feel well enough to go out is that we are not motivated enough

7.  When Claudia finds out that I have pain in my chest and trouble breathing, she will freak out and won’t believe that it is actually related to my Fibromyalgia, which it is.  Regardless of how much I fill her in on the subject, she will secretly believe that I have some kind of heart condition, and thus my diet must be dangerously flawed, just like the rest of me and my life.

8.  If I’m able to go on a walk while she’s here, she will excitedly offer to come with me, as she feels that exercise and nutrition are her areas of expertise.  When I tell her as nicely as possible that I prefer to go alone, that it’s my “me time,” she will get upset and possibly start a fight.

9.  She will want to use my Wii Fit, or she will want us to do Wii Fit together.  If I don’t want to, this will start a fight.

10.  Claudia will either borrow my things without asking, or she will ask only to start a fight when I refuse to lend her my things.  Some things she might take include:

A)     my shampoo and conditioner

B)     my make up

C)     my socks – WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN!

D)    my shirts and possibly pyjamas as they will be very roomy

E)     my curlers or spoodles

F)     my hair-bands, elastics, other hair accessories, face mask, face soap

G)     sweaters

11.  When Claudia sees that my fatigue keeps me from helping out around the house or doing anything with her, this will start a fight in which she lectures me to stop doing things that she thinks cause my fatigue, even though said things are unrelated.

12.  Claudia will try to convince me not to repaint my room, remove the carpet, and refinish the hardwood floor.  She will want to know why it’s so important to me in the first place.  Since I will most likely refuse to tell her, this will start a fight.

13.  If Claudia notices that I neatly underline passages in books I read, she will wonder why and possibly try to convince me that I shouldn’t bother, because it’s not like I’m studying the book for school.

14.  Claudia may try to convince me to take distance education courses at the university, especially if she sees that I am able to read once in a while.  When I explain that my concentration is unpredictable and that I probably won’t be able to make deadlines, she will show very clearly that she isn’t satisfied with my explanation.  This could start a fight as well, as she will not understand why I can read some books and not do reading for school.

15.  If Claudia takes a shower she won’t clean out the tub and this will start a huge fight.

16.  Claudia will lecture me, my mom, and my brother Geoffrey about the amount of Coke we drink.

17.  Claudia will try to convince me, my mom, and my brother to get rid of stuff that we want to keep.  This could start a huge fight.

18.  Claudia will complain about how crappy our telephones are and nag us to get new ones.

19.  Claudia will either complain about my mother’s driving, refuse to let Mom drive her anywhere, or suggest that Mom’s license be taken away.  This will really hurt my mother’s feelings and, of course, start a huge fight.

20.  Claudia will start a fight about how much time my brother and I spend in the house, and won’t accept that it is due to our pain and fatigue.

21.  Claudia will get extremely frustrated with my mother for always falling asleep on the toilet at night.  Claudia will not be able to keep her awake at night and will get angry that the alarm Mom uses doesn’t work.  She may attempt to buy my mother a better alarm, but if this also doesn’t work, Claudia may suggest that my mom should be in a nursing home.  If not, she may suggest that this extreme drowsiness is due to one of my mother’s medications and try to convince her to stop taking something that she actually needs.

22.  Claudia will get extremely frustrated with my mother for falling asleep in front of the TV or while beading.  This too will cause a fight, especially if my mom refuses to go to bed.  There will be an even bigger fight if my mom is drinking tea in this drowsy condition, in which she can spill it all over herself.

23.  Claudia will want to use our digital camera, and thus will be angry when she finds out that the battery is broken and we have not yet bought a new one.

24.  Claudia will want to use my laptop and will be angry when I refuse.  She will ask why my brother is allowed to use it but not her.  I will explain that we’ve made an agreement, in which he will help me repaint my bedroom in exchange for use of my laptop, but she will still be angry.

25.  Claudia will be angry that our desktop computer in the basement is broken, and will nag us to plug in her old computer.  If Dad refuses, Claudia will nag me about this, as she feels I am the one in the family she has the most control over.  Since it is not my computer and I have my own, she will be wasting her time.

26.  At some point during her visit, she will be so exasperated with us for something, and will declare that she shouldn’t even have come.

27.  Claudia will try to convince my family to move out west with her.  Apparently she has already mentioned it to my mother before.  She will claim that the nice weather and scenery will help us with our health problems, and that if she lives nearby she can help us with things like chores.

Okay, that’s it for now.  After she’s gone I’ll try to write to let you know which ones came true.  Wish me luck, and wish my family luck as well.

The Shocking Truth - What a 26-Year-Old Girl Really Wants For Her Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday ... I am now 26. About a month ago, I typed out my birthday list for my family and posted it on the fridge. No sooner had I done so than I immediately began to regret not adding certain requests. It occurred to me to reprint the list with the necessary amendments, but I concluded that I had already asked for so much that it wouldn’t be practical to add anything more.
Nevertheless, I have had a lot more time to think about what I want for my birthday in the last month, and feel that I should definitely list my desires somewhere. So here it is – for anybody curious about what a 26-year-old girl really wants for her birthday, keep reading for some shocking insight:

What A 26-Year-Old Girl Really Wants For Her Birthday

1. PEACE AND FUCKING QUIET!

For the last few days, this has been what I have wanted more than anything else in the world and the one person who constantly refuses to give me this gift is my mother. I love my mother very much and I know that she loves me too. But she is getting longer and longer-winded and, for some reason, louder and louder! I would give anything to not have to hear the conversations she has with my dad in the kitchen while I am in my bedroom with the door shut trying to sleep.

2. A Brain for My Dad

This is something I have wanted since the age of 9 or 10, the age where it really dawned on me just how ignorant and thoughtless my father actually is. After watching a documentary a few days ago, I told my dad about what I learned – apparently every atom in our bodies was once inside a star that exploded. This means that we are literally made of stardust! I thought this was amazing, so I informed my dad of this newly learned fact. I should have guessed that he wouldn’t believe it. He thinks that God created the world in 7 days, that we came from Adam and Eve, that evolution is untrue, that science is “a lotta bullshit,” and yet continues to take his medication, use light bulbs, surf the web, and drive an automobile. Yes ... science is a lotta bullshit ... it never gave us anything useful!

3. A Limit Placed On My Dad’s Sneezing

Everyday my dad has sneezing fits at least twice. And these fits contain 10 or more sneezes. If they were politely covered up or relatively quiet I would not have such a problem with this. But when my dad sneezes it sounds like he’s screaming! Is that really necessary? I realize people can’t control their sneezes, but couldn’t they control their voice to a certain degree when sneezing? Every time he sneezes, I want to loudly yell “SHUT UUUUUUUP!”

4. Laws Passed Regarding Annoying Commercials

I am starting to think that annoying commercials are dangerous to the sanity of the public, not to mention prejudiced against the elderly and people with health problems. Anyone unable to work or participate in certain kinds of activities might spend a great deal of time in front of the television. While the programs available may be annoying themselves, the commercials that interrupt them make me want to brutally destroy the television! They are loud (Gillette Fusion Proglide), repetitive (DejaView shows), sexist (Axe Hair Products), poorly acted and scripted (Bump It), mind-numbingly stupid (IntelliEAR), obnoxious (ShamWow and Slap Chop), and lastly, by using excerpts of popular songs they ultimately “promote” their product by ruining a song for the public forever (Swiffer). Some senior citizens like my mother and people with disabilities like me and my brother rely on television at times when we are too tired or physically unable to occupy our time otherwise. It’s bad enough that the shows available appeal to the lowest common denominator, but to subject us to these mindless commercials is unusual cruelty. I wouldn’t be surprised if long-term exposure to these ads actually kills more brain cells than dangerous drugs. I think there should be strict laws passed against mindless, meaningless, boring, loud, repetitive, ads and that if a commercial breaks a law no more commercials for that product can be aired. If anyone could pass such legislation as a birthday gift to me, I would be forever grateful.

5. Better Quality Programming

While I do not despise television shows as much as the commercials that molest them and their viewers, I do long for better quality programming. I want more documentaries about diverse topics aired all day every day: like I said, some people with health problems may rely on television to occupy their time so only airing complete garbage is insulting and cruel. Some people are smarter than to be satisfied with The Jerry Springer Show, which is really just the modern-day equivalent to the barbaric carnival freak shows of the past. Here are the following TV shows that I do enjoy – executive producers take note:

>;- Great Thinkers Of Our Time (The Mark Steel Lectures)
- History Bites
- Art Attack
- Twin Peaks
- LOST
- The Twilight Zone (1950s)
- True Blood
- Pushing Daisies
- Mad Men
- Doctor Who
- Daria
- The Big Bang Theory
- Alienated


6. Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts to Stop Smiling On CameraOkay, I get that these two actresses are famous and attractive, and I get that they appear in chick-flicks. I also get that they have nice smiles and everything but, after a while, seeing their lovely smiles ALL THE TIME lowers their uniqueness. Every time I see a commercial for a dumb chick-flick featuring one of these women, I feel like the voice-over should really just say “See this guy make this girl this happy!” Alternatively, the voice-over could also say, “You probably identify with this girl so if you see this movie, this is how happy it will make you feel!” Even scenes not shown in the ads seem to show these actresses unnaturally happy at moments in the film that don’t seem to be that special! Am I the only one who’s noticed this?!
There are probably other actresses who could show their teeth a little less also.

7. Prohibition on Re-making Old Movies

Apparently some people are way too cool to like any entertainment that was not created this year. Anything old is just disgusting! Well, that attitude is really great for business because that means that the movie, fashion, music, and television industries can recycle anything and still make money off of it! Think about it: if the public is too cool to try and watch older movies such as Halloween, Clash of the Titans, and King Kong, then studios can re-make them employing famous actors of the day and using modern special effects and technology. Then the movie-goers will automatically assume that the hotter actors and better affects mean that the film will be worth seeing, that it would be like taking something old and crappy and making it better! Well ... it’s not. For those of us who can appreciate older movies and aren’t so easily distracted by special effects and beautiful people it feels like HARDLY ANY MOVIES ARE BEING MADE.
Think about it. Imagine for a moment that there was a portion of the public that did not want to see ANY re-made movies and ONLY preferred the originals ... think of how little a selection of movies at the theatres there would be for such an audience! People who are unafraid of entertainment from the past still deserve to have movies geared towards them. If a studio re-makes a film, I think they should have to re-interpret or add something to it so that those of us who enjoyed the original can still enjoy the re-make.

I think that’s all for now. If I can think of any more birthday list amendments I will certainly add them.

Sisters, The Art of Driving, and Ironic Signs From The Universe

My sister Claudia called tonight, and as usual when she calls I could hear Mom’s whining voice from the other room. “Claudia I do understand ... What do you think it was like for me?”
Naturally this was quite annoying to me and my brother, as we were both trying to watch BRAVO’s Work of Art: The Next Great Artist. We tried turning up the volume, asking Mom to talk in another room, turning up the volume even louder, then asking Mom to talk in an even further room ... as annoying as it was for me it was even worse for Geoffrey because he has a huge migraine. But regardless, the same ridiculous routine that happens every night was happening yet again:

Claudia was complaining to Mom about how hard it is to live on her own in another city without a car – or a driver’s license, for that matter – and is blaming Mom for her being license-less and car-less.

I should note that Claudia did take the written test and passed twice while living here in good old Windsor, Ontario, but that when it came time to practice in Mom or Dad’s car with one of them in the passenger seat, fights entailed the few times she did practice driving with them for the simple reason that they tried to correct her mistakes – some of them dangerous ones. And since Claudia doesn’t like being told what to do, it came to pass that she never practiced with either of them again, and thus never perfected the art of driving. The point I must stress and the conclusion you must come to, dear reader, is that Claudia’s predicament of and car-less-ness is her own fault and nobody else’s.

On tonight’s occasion, however, there was one small difference in the routine. Yes, Claudia was again whining, bitching, and moaning to Mom about not having a car and why it is Mom’s fault, but tonight the reason for this phone call was this:

Today while Claudia was waiting for the bus for 45 minutes in an unfamiliar area to go somewhere she had never been, she was FLASHED!

Yes, flashing would be a scary thing for a single woman all alone in a strange city to experience, but is it really necessary to blame one’s mother for such an assault?

It gets a little better. When Mom asked Claudia if she had her cell phone handy and dialled 9-1-1 after the (*ahem*) exposure, Mom was told no: Claudia did not have her cell phone. This is rather strange, I thought upon hearing this part of the story, as Claudia would constantly nag and harass me if I failed to bring my cell phone to school or neglected to turn it on. If she called me during the school day and could not reach me, when I arrived home she would then berate me, implying that I have some kind of responsibility to my family to bring my cell phone with me wherever I go now that I have it and that not doing so is irresponsible of me!
I should explain here that a cell phone is something I would not normally buy for myself; the only reason I have one is that Mom and Claudia picked it out for me as a Christmas gift during my first year of University. Frankly, I was perplexed upon receiving it. After all, why would I need a cell phone? Well, after forgetting it at home countless times or forgetting to turn it on – all the while enjoying the peace and quiet from my family – and receiving many lectures from Claudia about my responsibility to bring it with me and turn it on, I now know that it was purchased to be used as a homing device!

CREEPY!

Well, now we know that Claudia also does not bring her cell phone everywhere with her. Furthermore, Claudia has an alarm that Mom wants her to bring with her and keep in her pocket for just this type of situation. Did Claudia at least have that with her? Take a wild guess.

I know, tonight’s rant might sound very blame-the-victim which is something I certainly know better than to do. But Claudia has always been a special case because, well, she frequently blames the victims herself and always has, especially when the victim is me or my brother Geoffrey. She has no empathy or compassion for anyone, and has nothing but contempt for anyone who gets themselves into a situation that demands these emotions empathy or compassion from others.

Final Thoughts

Since indecent exposure to a stranger has psychological implications, and my sister is residing in the city where this took place because she recently became a psychologist, is it possible that this incident, apart from being insanely ironic, was some kind of sign that she is in the wrong field?

Word Of The Day: Schadenfreude - pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.

My Frustrating, Hormonal Day

Okay, some new things to report:

I finally ended up watching Avatar last night, and hope to write a short but to-the-point article to be published on this blog about why I think the Vatican really has a problem with the film. So my imaginary readers can have something to look forward to reading about other than my “progress.”

(The term “progress” is a word which here means “trying pathetically to convince oneself that one is taking steps forward despite multiple steps back.”)

On Thursday I had my acupuncture appointment which, despite the weird feeling when the needles were inserted, actually felt kind of nice. For about an hour or two after the appointment I felt pretty good, but then started to feel really awful in the evening, a feeling which continued up until this morning. I managed to get to bed at about 2:30 am – not the greatest, but a more appropriate hour than the previous day – and got up at about 9:30 am feeling slightly less painful and more energetic. The energy may be partly to do with the iron supplements I managed to take a couple times recently, and plan to take on a more regular basis.

After my appointment Mom took me to a thrift store – she’s totally obsessed with them – where I ended up seeing a rack that would make a great potion rack for my Alice In Wonderland themed crafts. It was only about $5.00, which means I brought one more piece of crap into this cluttered house of junk. To make matters worse, the next day Mom took me to Michaels and insisted we stop at another thrift store nearby where I bought 2 foam heads for $2.99 each. As usual when I buy something large and frightening to a foreign father with no hobbies, I leave the item in the car over night to try to sneak it in the house the next day. If Dad ends up noticing it, I just act like I’ve had the item for a long time. (Before you get all judgemental about my methods, I should strongly note that Mom taught me that trick and I have witnessed her use it on more than one occasion.) Unfortunately, Mom was in need of the space in the van and had Dad bring its contents into the house – I can’t imagine what Dad must have thought seeing that rack and pair of heads.

(By the way, Mom needed the space in the van because she was having another jewellery-sale at the library. Unfortunately, very few people came but the week before she was the only seller to make any money. Nobody bought from anyone else.)

Well, this morning was stressful. While sitting here on the couch, minding my own business and getting my ass kicked by my computer at Chess, Dad felt the need to remind me that the living room needs to be cleaned of my lingering craft supplies that seem to be scattered in all rooms of the house like darkening, thickening clouds appearing to cover the sky on an otherwise beautiful day. One might think, as Dad approached me sitting here at my usual spot on the couch in the living room which happens to face said pile of my crap that Dad would just assume he would not need to inform me that the room needs to be cleaned. However, one probably does not have a dad like mine.
Dad and I proceeded to argue about this loudly in the morning, and continued somewhat later when I actually spent about an hour organizing my craft supplies because he could not reach the fridge in the basement kitchen. Then to top it all off, when I was finished and came upstairs to put some scrap-paper in the bag in the closet to be recycled he complained about how full the closet was!

Maybe during a normal day I would be able to deal with all of this, but I’m having some trouble coping with the stress right now. I’m probably a little hormonal due to my impending period. I feel like there’s no hope, that something awful awaits me, and it is only a matter of time.

Accomplishments:

- sorted craft supplies for about 1 hour; eliminated a box of junk and found some craft supplies I am willing to part with, which I put in a box that is slowly being filled to be sent to a thrift store
- did dishes right after dinner
- cooked breakfast for myself and did the dishes I used
- managed not to have Coke, even though I was having tacos for dinner