Sylvester The Cat Gives The Finger ... Merry Christmas Children!

 

This is just a quick post to share some pictures that I thought were funny.

Recently I spent an evening officially putting away all things Christmas - late I know, but when you have Fibromyalgia you take longer to do things than you normally would.  The artificial tree was already disassembled and put away thanks to my brother, but the tree ornaments remained loosely in a single cardboard box.  You see, the day my mom took down the ornaments I wasn't feeling up to going to the basement and bringing up the proper containers for the ornaments, so my mom stored them in the box temporarily and set them aside for me to sort and return to the basement when I felt ready to handle the job.

When I finally did feel up to putting everything away the task took a lot longer than I intended thanks to the vile bitch that is Fibromyalgia, but through all the drudgery I discovered something new about a very old ornament.  While handling a very old, very beat-up-looking ornament of Sylvester The Cat I noticed he appears to be giving the finger to someone behind him!  Observe:

 

Now, I know you could argue that the picture of Sylvester's front below clearly shows that he only has 4 fingers (or digits, given that he's a cat) and therefore can't technically put up his middle finger, but I would argue that that doesn't mean he would never want to.  After all, if a character with 4 fingers has reason to give the finger, he or she would certainly do so in their own way.

And let's face it: what else could he possibly be doing?  Just randomly pointing upwards?  What makes more sense to you?

 

A) a cartoon character well-loved by children, now in the form of a Christmas ornament is pointing upwards for no apparent reason

 

B) a cartoon character who constantly gets his ass kicked by a bird for the amusement of children, now in the form of a Christmas ornament, is turning his back on the cruel, sadistic children and is flipping them the bird (get it?).

Study the photos, and his facial expression, and you tell me ...

 



Predictions for the Week of My Sister Claudia's Visit

Tomorrow my evil sister Claudia will be arriving from out west.  She will be staying with us for Easter, from April 5^th – April 11^th.  Claudia has always been difficult from when she was little – even my mother would say so.  She has treated my brother Geoffrey and I like garbage all our lives, and whenever she visits it’s like a tornado of anger, rage, anxiety, temper tantrums, and guilt trips sweeps through our home.

I should clarify a few things right now:

1)  Claudia has recently become a psychologist.

2)  With any dispute we have, she uses her education in psychology to justify anything she does and make anything we say or do appear wrong.

3)  I’m positive that Claudia is a narcissist.  I’ve been reading a lot about narcissism, and I believe she has at least 8 out of 9 characteristics of a narcissist.

4)   Everyone in my family has health problems – me, my brother, my mother, and my father.  Everyone but Claudia.   And Claudia is the LEAST understanding person because she has never had to deal with illness or disability.  And because narcissists lack empathy.

5)  She has an extremely inaccurate view of our levels of disability and the challenges they can cause.  This may in part be because she hasn’t seen us for about 2 years.  Regardless, seeing us and seeing all that we can’t do will be a rude awakening for her.  Most likely though, she will accuse us of not trying hard enough.

6)  She has been pressuring us for years to go and visit her out west.  We try to explain how impractical this is given our health problems, but she refuses to believe it and/or claims that it is all due to not taking good enough care of ourselves.

7)  She is extremely controlling.

8)  My mother claims that Claudia has matured a lot.  This of course is based on phone conversations and nothing more.  That said, Mom is still very nervous about Claudia’s visit.

9)  When my brother and I talk to Claudia on the phone, we’ve both noticed that she is a lot nicer, yet we both get the sense that she is trying with all her might to hold back.  In other words, Geoffrey and I both think her agreeableness is just an act.

So, now that you are briefly caught up, the following is a list of predictions I am making regarding what will take place from the time Claudia arrives tomorrow till the time she leaves on the 11^th.  I am getting them in writing and posted online so that if any come true, I can prove to my family that I had predicted them before her arrival.  This is not to say that I anticipate all of my predictions to come true.  I am simply trying to cover any and all possibilities.

Predictions for the Week of Claudia’s Visit

1.  Claudia will object to me biting my nails and/or tell me that my nails are gross.

2.  Claudia won’t know how to turn on the TV or put on a DVD. 

3.  If me or my brother can’t sleep at night and get up to watch TV, Claudia will yell at me and my brother to turn down the TV.  This may lead to a fight.

4.  Claudia will talk, yell, or try to annoy me when I’m watching TV - probably during something good like a documentary that won’t be on again.

5.  Claudia will recommend that we eat organic fruits & vegetables and this could start an argument/fight when we try to explain that they are too expensive.  If she then buys some for us and we don’t eat them, there will be an even bigger fight.

6.  Claudia will ask me and my brother to go to dinner with her and when we say no due to legitimately not feeling well, she will:

 A)  start fighting with us and/or throw a temper tantrum

 B)  accuse us of not taking good enough care of ourselves

 C)  get mad and declare that we just don’t want to go with her, which will partly be true

 D)  tell us that the reason we don’t feel well enough to go out is that we are not motivated enough

7.  When Claudia finds out that I have pain in my chest and trouble breathing, she will freak out and won’t believe that it is actually related to my Fibromyalgia, which it is.  Regardless of how much I fill her in on the subject, she will secretly believe that I have some kind of heart condition, and thus my diet must be dangerously flawed, just like the rest of me and my life.

8.  If I’m able to go on a walk while she’s here, she will excitedly offer to come with me, as she feels that exercise and nutrition are her areas of expertise.  When I tell her as nicely as possible that I prefer to go alone, that it’s my “me time,” she will get upset and possibly start a fight.

9.  She will want to use my Wii Fit, or she will want us to do Wii Fit together.  If I don’t want to, this will start a fight.

10.  Claudia will either borrow my things without asking, or she will ask only to start a fight when I refuse to lend her my things.  Some things she might take include:

A)     my shampoo and conditioner

B)     my make up

C)     my socks – WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN!

D)    my shirts and possibly pyjamas as they will be very roomy

E)     my curlers or spoodles

F)     my hair-bands, elastics, other hair accessories, face mask, face soap

G)     sweaters

11.  When Claudia sees that my fatigue keeps me from helping out around the house or doing anything with her, this will start a fight in which she lectures me to stop doing things that she thinks cause my fatigue, even though said things are unrelated.

12.  Claudia will try to convince me not to repaint my room, remove the carpet, and refinish the hardwood floor.  She will want to know why it’s so important to me in the first place.  Since I will most likely refuse to tell her, this will start a fight.

13.  If Claudia notices that I neatly underline passages in books I read, she will wonder why and possibly try to convince me that I shouldn’t bother, because it’s not like I’m studying the book for school.

14.  Claudia may try to convince me to take distance education courses at the university, especially if she sees that I am able to read once in a while.  When I explain that my concentration is unpredictable and that I probably won’t be able to make deadlines, she will show very clearly that she isn’t satisfied with my explanation.  This could start a fight as well, as she will not understand why I can read some books and not do reading for school.

15.  If Claudia takes a shower she won’t clean out the tub and this will start a huge fight.

16.  Claudia will lecture me, my mom, and my brother Geoffrey about the amount of Coke we drink.

17.  Claudia will try to convince me, my mom, and my brother to get rid of stuff that we want to keep.  This could start a huge fight.

18.  Claudia will complain about how crappy our telephones are and nag us to get new ones.

19.  Claudia will either complain about my mother’s driving, refuse to let Mom drive her anywhere, or suggest that Mom’s license be taken away.  This will really hurt my mother’s feelings and, of course, start a huge fight.

20.  Claudia will start a fight about how much time my brother and I spend in the house, and won’t accept that it is due to our pain and fatigue.

21.  Claudia will get extremely frustrated with my mother for always falling asleep on the toilet at night.  Claudia will not be able to keep her awake at night and will get angry that the alarm Mom uses doesn’t work.  She may attempt to buy my mother a better alarm, but if this also doesn’t work, Claudia may suggest that my mom should be in a nursing home.  If not, she may suggest that this extreme drowsiness is due to one of my mother’s medications and try to convince her to stop taking something that she actually needs.

22.  Claudia will get extremely frustrated with my mother for falling asleep in front of the TV or while beading.  This too will cause a fight, especially if my mom refuses to go to bed.  There will be an even bigger fight if my mom is drinking tea in this drowsy condition, in which she can spill it all over herself.

23.  Claudia will want to use our digital camera, and thus will be angry when she finds out that the battery is broken and we have not yet bought a new one.

24.  Claudia will want to use my laptop and will be angry when I refuse.  She will ask why my brother is allowed to use it but not her.  I will explain that we’ve made an agreement, in which he will help me repaint my bedroom in exchange for use of my laptop, but she will still be angry.

25.  Claudia will be angry that our desktop computer in the basement is broken, and will nag us to plug in her old computer.  If Dad refuses, Claudia will nag me about this, as she feels I am the one in the family she has the most control over.  Since it is not my computer and I have my own, she will be wasting her time.

26.  At some point during her visit, she will be so exasperated with us for something, and will declare that she shouldn’t even have come.

27.  Claudia will try to convince my family to move out west with her.  Apparently she has already mentioned it to my mother before.  She will claim that the nice weather and scenery will help us with our health problems, and that if she lives nearby she can help us with things like chores.

Okay, that’s it for now.  After she’s gone I’ll try to write to let you know which ones came true.  Wish me luck, and wish my family luck as well.

The Shocking Truth - What a 26-Year-Old Girl Really Wants For Her Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday ... I am now 26. About a month ago, I typed out my birthday list for my family and posted it on the fridge. No sooner had I done so than I immediately began to regret not adding certain requests. It occurred to me to reprint the list with the necessary amendments, but I concluded that I had already asked for so much that it wouldn’t be practical to add anything more.
Nevertheless, I have had a lot more time to think about what I want for my birthday in the last month, and feel that I should definitely list my desires somewhere. So here it is – for anybody curious about what a 26-year-old girl really wants for her birthday, keep reading for some shocking insight:

What A 26-Year-Old Girl Really Wants For Her Birthday

1. PEACE AND FUCKING QUIET!

For the last few days, this has been what I have wanted more than anything else in the world and the one person who constantly refuses to give me this gift is my mother. I love my mother very much and I know that she loves me too. But she is getting longer and longer-winded and, for some reason, louder and louder! I would give anything to not have to hear the conversations she has with my dad in the kitchen while I am in my bedroom with the door shut trying to sleep.

2. A Brain for My Dad

This is something I have wanted since the age of 9 or 10, the age where it really dawned on me just how ignorant and thoughtless my father actually is. After watching a documentary a few days ago, I told my dad about what I learned – apparently every atom in our bodies was once inside a star that exploded. This means that we are literally made of stardust! I thought this was amazing, so I informed my dad of this newly learned fact. I should have guessed that he wouldn’t believe it. He thinks that God created the world in 7 days, that we came from Adam and Eve, that evolution is untrue, that science is “a lotta bullshit,” and yet continues to take his medication, use light bulbs, surf the web, and drive an automobile. Yes ... science is a lotta bullshit ... it never gave us anything useful!

3. A Limit Placed On My Dad’s Sneezing

Everyday my dad has sneezing fits at least twice. And these fits contain 10 or more sneezes. If they were politely covered up or relatively quiet I would not have such a problem with this. But when my dad sneezes it sounds like he’s screaming! Is that really necessary? I realize people can’t control their sneezes, but couldn’t they control their voice to a certain degree when sneezing? Every time he sneezes, I want to loudly yell “SHUT UUUUUUUP!”

4. Laws Passed Regarding Annoying Commercials

I am starting to think that annoying commercials are dangerous to the sanity of the public, not to mention prejudiced against the elderly and people with health problems. Anyone unable to work or participate in certain kinds of activities might spend a great deal of time in front of the television. While the programs available may be annoying themselves, the commercials that interrupt them make me want to brutally destroy the television! They are loud (Gillette Fusion Proglide), repetitive (DejaView shows), sexist (Axe Hair Products), poorly acted and scripted (Bump It), mind-numbingly stupid (IntelliEAR), obnoxious (ShamWow and Slap Chop), and lastly, by using excerpts of popular songs they ultimately “promote” their product by ruining a song for the public forever (Swiffer). Some senior citizens like my mother and people with disabilities like me and my brother rely on television at times when we are too tired or physically unable to occupy our time otherwise. It’s bad enough that the shows available appeal to the lowest common denominator, but to subject us to these mindless commercials is unusual cruelty. I wouldn’t be surprised if long-term exposure to these ads actually kills more brain cells than dangerous drugs. I think there should be strict laws passed against mindless, meaningless, boring, loud, repetitive, ads and that if a commercial breaks a law no more commercials for that product can be aired. If anyone could pass such legislation as a birthday gift to me, I would be forever grateful.

5. Better Quality Programming

While I do not despise television shows as much as the commercials that molest them and their viewers, I do long for better quality programming. I want more documentaries about diverse topics aired all day every day: like I said, some people with health problems may rely on television to occupy their time so only airing complete garbage is insulting and cruel. Some people are smarter than to be satisfied with The Jerry Springer Show, which is really just the modern-day equivalent to the barbaric carnival freak shows of the past. Here are the following TV shows that I do enjoy – executive producers take note:

>;- Great Thinkers Of Our Time (The Mark Steel Lectures)
- History Bites
- Art Attack
- Twin Peaks
- LOST
- The Twilight Zone (1950s)
- True Blood
- Pushing Daisies
- Mad Men
- Doctor Who
- Daria
- The Big Bang Theory
- Alienated


6. Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts to Stop Smiling On CameraOkay, I get that these two actresses are famous and attractive, and I get that they appear in chick-flicks. I also get that they have nice smiles and everything but, after a while, seeing their lovely smiles ALL THE TIME lowers their uniqueness. Every time I see a commercial for a dumb chick-flick featuring one of these women, I feel like the voice-over should really just say “See this guy make this girl this happy!” Alternatively, the voice-over could also say, “You probably identify with this girl so if you see this movie, this is how happy it will make you feel!” Even scenes not shown in the ads seem to show these actresses unnaturally happy at moments in the film that don’t seem to be that special! Am I the only one who’s noticed this?!
There are probably other actresses who could show their teeth a little less also.

7. Prohibition on Re-making Old Movies

Apparently some people are way too cool to like any entertainment that was not created this year. Anything old is just disgusting! Well, that attitude is really great for business because that means that the movie, fashion, music, and television industries can recycle anything and still make money off of it! Think about it: if the public is too cool to try and watch older movies such as Halloween, Clash of the Titans, and King Kong, then studios can re-make them employing famous actors of the day and using modern special effects and technology. Then the movie-goers will automatically assume that the hotter actors and better affects mean that the film will be worth seeing, that it would be like taking something old and crappy and making it better! Well ... it’s not. For those of us who can appreciate older movies and aren’t so easily distracted by special effects and beautiful people it feels like HARDLY ANY MOVIES ARE BEING MADE.
Think about it. Imagine for a moment that there was a portion of the public that did not want to see ANY re-made movies and ONLY preferred the originals ... think of how little a selection of movies at the theatres there would be for such an audience! People who are unafraid of entertainment from the past still deserve to have movies geared towards them. If a studio re-makes a film, I think they should have to re-interpret or add something to it so that those of us who enjoyed the original can still enjoy the re-make.

I think that’s all for now. If I can think of any more birthday list amendments I will certainly add them.

The Seven Dwarfs According To My Brother Geoffrey

Okay, I realise that I haven’t written in quite a while, but I still have lots planned, and still intend to post a better late than never Practical Magic entry for the blog party that was on September 25.

But today, I have something that might be funny for any Disney fans, particularly fans of Disney’s first full length animated motion picture, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Being a Disney fan myself, I have had the names of each of the Seven Dwarfs memorised since childhood. For those of you who do not know, they are as follows:

Sneezy, Grumpy, Doc,

Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, and ...

Dopey!

As you can see, almost all of the Dwarfs are named after adjectives – descriptive words. This said, I would like to share something funny with you.

One day my brother and I were looking at a magazine together, the theme of the issue being “lists,” and one page had several “lists” that people often forget, such as the names of the five oceans, the ten commandments, the seven wonders of the world, etc ... One of these lists was a list of the names of the Seven Dwarfs from Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

As I said, I already knew their names, but my older brother Geoffrey did not. So, taking the magazine so that he could not peek, I asked him to guess their names. Eventually he did guess them all correctly, but in the process, he also guessed all of the following ... enjoy!

The Seven Dwarves According To Geoffrey

Weepy
Depressed
Cries-A-Lot
Scares-Easily
Chicken-Shit
Romantic
Moaner
Retard
Bully
Sinful
Sacred
Simple
Real-Simple
Cloudy
Sunny
Genius
Brainy
Smarty
Einstein
Diploma
Sick
Sicky
Temperatures-Flaring
Arthritic (this one might be my favourite)
Boney
Evil
Awful
Jerko
Jerk-Off
Meano
Mean-Spirit
Lacks-Manners
Lacks-Empathy
Lazy
Stupid
Jerome (which of these names just doesn't belong ...)
Temper-Temper
Shy
Shyness
Angry
Furious

Today I asked him once again if he knew all their names ... he was able to list 6, but had trouble coming up with the 7th. These were his guesses:

Whiny
Sad
Crazy
Angry
Brain-Aneurysm

P. S.

Just as I had posted the above and my brother came to sit here on the couch, he saw the picture on my laptop of the seven Dwarfs and said, "Did you post the 'Geoffrey-is-stupid' blog yet?"

Funny, Strange, and Wise: Quotes From a Former English Professor

Last night I was going through some boxes of junk that I have been having trouble parting with, in hopes that I will recognise some items as less sentimental or as less useful for crafts. I came across a book in which I write memorable quotes, particularly those of a former English Professor.
He made it very clear on the very first day of class that he has no guilt about being offensive and will probably say something to offend every single one of us before the class is through. He also informed us that, when he stops lecturing about literature and begins preaching or “sermonizing” about something, it is not necessary to actually record what he says – we can merely drop our pens, relax for a few minutes, and (I’m paraphrasing here) use the time to daydream and patronize him.

I should note here that my recording of these quotes should not suggest that I agree with them – I merely recorded them because I found it amusing that a university professor would say such wise things along with such obnoxious things to an auditorium-size class and mean them completely. I will put stars next to those I do think wise or worth remembering.

Having said that, the following are quotes from a professor at the University of Windsor who taught me both Later British Literature and, more significantly, Children’s Literature:



1st day of Children’s Lit
- Children are fascists and egomaniacs.

1st day of Children’s Lit-
If you actually had a baby it would be like being chronically ill.

- in response to the misconception that “castration” means severing the penis
Castration means cutting off the balls – remember that when you want to castrate someone!

- in response to sexual symbols in Children’s books and the children not being aware of it
By the way Georgie, this is sexual ... isn’t that just like your penis?

- To understand everything is to forgive everything. *

- The greatest sadness is in childhood.

- The way you force bullies to be responsible for their actions is to stand up to them. *

- You should never kill someone in the heat of emotion – wait till you calm down.

- Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage.

- Love isn’t love till you give it away.

- He who loses his life will find it.

- The real challenge is to love adults the way we love children.

- You are not your conditions or your profession. *

- After the Jews interviewed God they went home and wrote it down all wrong.

- on vulnerability to being hurt by others
The only safeguard is to get a parakeet or any other pet, inherit a fortune, get a TV, and then you’re set.

- We all wear a straightjacket of realism *

- in response to the belief that devil worshippers go to hell, but that it would be cruel to send mentally ill people to hell
Nobody worships the devil except crazy people, and then they go to heaven and get put in a little pen where all the crazy people go.

- It’s more important to understand psychologically than to judge morally. *

- after signalling out 2 girls who came into class late but feeling sorry about it
If you ever walk into class late and your teacher is a prick about it, stand up and say, *shaking his fist* “I PAY YOUR FUCKIN’ SALARY!”

- A great work of literature is infinitely subtle.

- on daydreaming during a class
Don’t do that any fucking more!

on the negative aspects or “dragons” we all have inside ourselves
- What we should all do is face the dragons ... we do not love ourselves because we fear ourselves ... one way to un-hate yourself is to forgive someone. *

- after discussing that a cat in a poem is automatically female despite not knowing its sex, then discussing the clouds in the poem and pacing back and forth with his hands behind his back
What sex are clouds ...? I prefer my clouds to be female .... Thunder clouds are definitely male ...

- Let’s face it: everybody wants a demon lover!

- When you have the flu, the best thing you can do is read Keats.

- If you ever go to Hades, don’t eat anything!

- Philosophy is always on the verge of bullshit.

- What Freud needed was 2 or 3 courses in English literature.

- When we try to get back to Paradise we make things worse by getting further away from it.


Well, I hope this was entertaining. I realise some of the funny ones might not really be that funny if you weren’t present and did not witness the delivery.

If you liked any of these, or if you too have some note-worthy quotes from a teacher or professor, feel free to leave a comment and share them with me. They can be funny, insightful, or even border-line offensive like some of the above.