Funny, Strange, and Wise: Quotes From a Former English Professor

Last night I was going through some boxes of junk that I have been having trouble parting with, in hopes that I will recognise some items as less sentimental or as less useful for crafts. I came across a book in which I write memorable quotes, particularly those of a former English Professor.
He made it very clear on the very first day of class that he has no guilt about being offensive and will probably say something to offend every single one of us before the class is through. He also informed us that, when he stops lecturing about literature and begins preaching or “sermonizing” about something, it is not necessary to actually record what he says – we can merely drop our pens, relax for a few minutes, and (I’m paraphrasing here) use the time to daydream and patronize him.

I should note here that my recording of these quotes should not suggest that I agree with them – I merely recorded them because I found it amusing that a university professor would say such wise things along with such obnoxious things to an auditorium-size class and mean them completely. I will put stars next to those I do think wise or worth remembering.

Having said that, the following are quotes from a professor at the University of Windsor who taught me both Later British Literature and, more significantly, Children’s Literature:



1st day of Children’s Lit
- Children are fascists and egomaniacs.

1st day of Children’s Lit-
If you actually had a baby it would be like being chronically ill.

- in response to the misconception that “castration” means severing the penis
Castration means cutting off the balls – remember that when you want to castrate someone!

- in response to sexual symbols in Children’s books and the children not being aware of it
By the way Georgie, this is sexual ... isn’t that just like your penis?

- To understand everything is to forgive everything. *

- The greatest sadness is in childhood.

- The way you force bullies to be responsible for their actions is to stand up to them. *

- You should never kill someone in the heat of emotion – wait till you calm down.

- Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage.

- Love isn’t love till you give it away.

- He who loses his life will find it.

- The real challenge is to love adults the way we love children.

- You are not your conditions or your profession. *

- After the Jews interviewed God they went home and wrote it down all wrong.

- on vulnerability to being hurt by others
The only safeguard is to get a parakeet or any other pet, inherit a fortune, get a TV, and then you’re set.

- We all wear a straightjacket of realism *

- in response to the belief that devil worshippers go to hell, but that it would be cruel to send mentally ill people to hell
Nobody worships the devil except crazy people, and then they go to heaven and get put in a little pen where all the crazy people go.

- It’s more important to understand psychologically than to judge morally. *

- after signalling out 2 girls who came into class late but feeling sorry about it
If you ever walk into class late and your teacher is a prick about it, stand up and say, *shaking his fist* “I PAY YOUR FUCKIN’ SALARY!”

- A great work of literature is infinitely subtle.

- on daydreaming during a class
Don’t do that any fucking more!

on the negative aspects or “dragons” we all have inside ourselves
- What we should all do is face the dragons ... we do not love ourselves because we fear ourselves ... one way to un-hate yourself is to forgive someone. *

- after discussing that a cat in a poem is automatically female despite not knowing its sex, then discussing the clouds in the poem and pacing back and forth with his hands behind his back
What sex are clouds ...? I prefer my clouds to be female .... Thunder clouds are definitely male ...

- Let’s face it: everybody wants a demon lover!

- When you have the flu, the best thing you can do is read Keats.

- If you ever go to Hades, don’t eat anything!

- Philosophy is always on the verge of bullshit.

- What Freud needed was 2 or 3 courses in English literature.

- When we try to get back to Paradise we make things worse by getting further away from it.


Well, I hope this was entertaining. I realise some of the funny ones might not really be that funny if you weren’t present and did not witness the delivery.

If you liked any of these, or if you too have some note-worthy quotes from a teacher or professor, feel free to leave a comment and share them with me. They can be funny, insightful, or even border-line offensive like some of the above.